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as salaamua alaikum what me myself am afraid of and i have seen so many time for whatever reason a man gets a second wife and soon after he winds up divorcing the wife he has children and has bee with for 5 10 and 20 plus years and this makes not since to me how u can be with someone for so long and u get a second wife and now u are no longer with the wife who have put up with all the flaws and built this life with this man this is what scares me about the situation
As-salaamualaikum
This is very beneficial masha-allah,This is from the sunnah.Ladies don’t dislike the sunnah.
For a lot of sisters that I counsel, they’re husbands used polygmy as an excuse to have someone on the side. They are not doing it for the benefit of the wives, but for self.
Brothers also use it as a punishment for not getting what they want. They threaten their wives with it.
Todays men are very different than during the prophets time. Men want to have many things in a wife, that maybe one woman does not have, and so he gets various things from many wives. Maybe one cooks more, maybe one cleans more, etc.
Wives look for many things in husbands as well, but many times we settle. But we can not have have more than one husband, just because we can not get what we want from one.
Men misuse the option. Many are not working, and their wives work etc. Its a sad state of mind that many of our men are in, and they use this as a tool to emotionally abuse women.
But , yes there are men that do it correctly, but very few.
And Allah Knows Best
As salaamu alaikum, This is a follow up to my last post. Sister we have to protect our hearts by only loving our husbands for the sake of Allah. This will Inshaa Allah protect our feels and keep our egos out of the equation.
Brothers, fear Allah and provide for your wives as Allah has commanded you to do.Most problems with polygyn stem from sisters feeling like they are competing for provisions and love.Have patience and dont cross the line.
I am pleased that we are able to get together and discuss what seems to be a growing trend among american Muslim families. I think it is amost ignorant to ask a women why she is jealous when her husband wants or takes another wife. I mean this man is her life, it would not be natural if she did not feel at minium a bit of jealousy.I was in poligamy, and I know for the first wife, she questions her womenhood and wonders if she is missing something that her husband finds in the other wife.
It probably is easier on a women’s ego when her husband cheats, only because the other women is not given the same status that she has.
I HAVE MORE TO SAY BUT I want to say it in the bast of way , so I will hold off right now. Because I could write a book on this one really
Salaam, I have one question only, which is kind of like a little voice in my head. Can anyone explain to me about the hadith when Aisha, ra., travelled with the Prophet, SAWS, and I think, Asma, ra., or Hafsa, ra., was also travelling in the caravan with him, SAWS; how Aisha became upset when she allowed Hafsa, or Asma? to take her place (in her hawdaj, which is covered) and she became jealous because the Prophet,SAWS, was riding beside and speaking with Hafsa/or/Asma in exclusion to Aisha (she was in the other’s ‘hawdaj’)? Is this practise an example of one of the small sins which he committed, because Allah tells us that He, subhanahu wa ta’ala, forgave the Prophet all his sins, past and future. Or is it considered of no consequence, or not an issue, that he used to exclusively enjoy speaking with Aisha, ra., if he was travelling with two of his wives and she was one of the two. Otherwise, the wives used to pick lots and he would travel with any two of them who got the lot to travel.Thanks in regard to this, I hope the question is not at all improper,Allah preserve and protect us. Of course all muslims believe that the Prophet Muhammad, SAWS, was the greatest of all human beings, and love him more than any other human being. May Allah’s peace and blessings be upon Muhammad, and his family and companions, Ameen.
thanks
Allah allows muslim men to marry up to four women if they can maintain them all equally. It depends on his ability to care for them, first of all. Women are not really supposed to deny their husbands the right to take another wife because it is a God-given right. That being said, to answer the brother’s question why women don’t like polygyny, I believe this is part of most women’s nature, and is to be forgiven, and hopefully the husband in that situation will be strong enough in faith to handle the situation, dealing fairly with all his wives. I’ve read muslim scholars say that, while it is emotionally difficult for a wife to accept (this isn’t always the case, note)but it is not her right to prevent her husband.
If divorce ensues, it is unfortunate, and in all cases, divorce happens for different reasons, sometimes children are suffering, and it’s really sad. Whether a man has one wife and divorces her, or vice-versa (women can seek a divorce KHUL in court, or from a religious authority who is commissioned with that responsibility ie. muslim judge) the people involved should always consider the childrens’ welfare and find an amicable solution, and have an amicable divorce and settlement which is amicable.
I hear in the video some very good points, I thnk someone was saying that, the meaning of life basically is not to have a lifestyle, or goals which do not elevate us. For example, insisting on a large home is many people’s goal, but is not something necessary to elevate our faith. It will help to have many homes,if one is married to more than one, but this is what will have to be considered and may prevent many men from thinking about getting married. The wives must be maintained at a status they are used to, so it won’t be fair for men to expect their wifes to compromise what they have to accommodate another person (new wife).
He should never show favoritism for one wife, at least not telling any of them, if he prefers her to another. It is not necessary, and would of course cause problems.If he spends on one, he must spend equally on the other one. If he has many children with one of them they are spent on according to his means, but should be well taken care of, as possible. The expense for the family with children will be larger, but the expenses of the wives will be equal, so he would do that fairly.
I know women who get along well (in the Arab Gulf) and because of the culture, families\children of both wives are raised to respect and do love eachother, with no exceptions. They have separate homes, and the father is wealthy enough to maintain these.
Marriage is not only about sex, but it is of course a primary reason for marriage. Many women will have less interest in sex, during different life stages, and despite jealousy, sometimes will admit that anothe wife would actually be necessary in this situation. This does happen, and women do in fact suggest to their husband to marry another. Wallah. It is not at all strange, but even in those situations, some women will always have a certain amount of jealousy. That’s why I say this is natural. Women usally love one man, and this is the root cause of her jealousy. Even if a women is no longer in love with her husband, she wants to have him treat her fairly, provide equally for her, and in fact in terms of financial support and gifts she will insist on this.
Single women, or divorced and widowed women, also have a right to a husband, for someone to support them if need be, but also to meet their natural need for sexual gratification, and of course companionship of a man, which is emotional, physical, etc.
I am a new shahadah and my problem with polygamy is that i cant stomach the fast that my husband will be pleasing another woman inshallah. Even if i was not Muslim and i was a Christian or something of that nature i would not be able to put up with a man cheating on me.For me, as a wife you want to feel special in your husband eyes. I cant feel special if i know he is treating me just like he treats another women inshallah and i am sharing the title as his wife, and i am sharing him. I understand that some women need to betaken care of but i don’t see why we wouldn’t be able to donate to her and help her financially, i have no issue with that. I don’t agree with my husband being entitled to please another woman sexually because as a man he has the urge to have more than one woman. I am no one to go against Allah so i know that polygamy is the right thing, i’m just saying emotionally i cant stomach it.
Asalamu alaikum! This is a beautiful discussion. I was once in this situation and it worked wonderfully when the husband was on his deen Once his faith and practice declined thats when the real fitnah started.Most of the fitnah is from lack of knowledge. The man must be the Imam of both houses and maintain that way or else there is always fitnah. It is his job to keep the peace between the two personalities he has married.
As Salam Alaykum Wa Rahamtullahi Wa Barakahtuh
May Allah reward you all for sharing the information with us sisters and non sisters. I did enjoy the lecture although i´ve been revert for 3 years now alhamdulilah. i don´t get what would be the situation which a woman would HAVE to marry a brother that is already marry more over nowadays when the populations of muslims are growing up..
thank you so much ..
salams.
As salaamualaikum wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakaatuh,
Posted this article because as long as it is, very essential reading and sums up in essense a part of Islaam that is difficult for the men and the women practicing and living in polygyny. I did not get a chance to finish watching the episode about whats the big deal, inshaAllah will comment on that. This issue is certainly a jihad un nafs and is something that for many women a struggle on a daily basis to check all our actions, how we deal with our qadr, the evil and good of it, how we can be positive and patient about things that do cause us physical,emotional, social hurt and pain at times. And especially how to gain and reap from our struggles hasanaat by truly being continuously mindful of the Only One Who deserves our utmost praise and obedience, tying this in with fulfilling our duties as wives,mothers, etc to the best that we can for the sake of Allah truly and no one else. May Allah grant us success in this Life and the next and May He forgive us,guide us and grant us Jannah Ameen
Assalamu alaykum, Jazakumullah khayr for this important topic.
The sister above said that it is haraam to be jealous.initially I just want to correct her. dear sister it is a blessing to you from Allah that you do not have a jealous nature, Alhamduliilah. secondly it is clear that you are mistaking hasd for ghirah. while hasd is haram qhirah is not. while hasd is evil ghirah is natural and sometimes praised;it shows the woman loves her husband. so what is ghirah and what is hasd? I will explain according to my understanding and may Allah forgive me if i am wrong. Hasd is to hate the blessing that someone has and to wish for it to be removed and to be happy if it is. Also it means to scheme about ways to harm them and try to destroy their happiness. That is the evil envy that Allah mentioned in suurah al falaq and we are required to seek Allah’s refuge from it.
As for ghirah it means to share what or who you love with someone, like a small child gets jealous of the new baby.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,
Very essential conversation. This video shows the intelligence of Muslim women and that they are thinking, logical and free women who CHOSE to live in polygyinist relationship.
may Allah ta’ala reward you sister’s and the FIKS
after living polygyny for 18 years the title says it all: WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL??
the one thing i do hate about these discussions is this tacit and sacrosanct agreement that women have the RIGHT to be jealous. Imam Ali (as) said that it was a sin for women to be and suratul, Falaq says DO NOT BE envious/jealous…this tells me that jealousy is not good, and that it can be controlled.
Given that shaitan has jumped on this assumption for eons, it is now ‘normal’ for women to be jealous, but i say it is not ‘natural.’ women are VERY compassionate, and if she wills (and is married to a just man) can very much be ok with sharing him. seriously. In fact, women can get to like those days off with time to miss her man, and anticipate his return. she knows where he is and who he’s with… It’s the best of being single and married…and don’t forget the incredibly strong sisterhood that can develop if the sisters can learn to respect, like and then love each other. It’s not that hard a thing to do!!!
it’s also not true that ALL women are jealous, and certainly not what summaiyyah said about Allah GIVING women jealousy. If anything, it’s the society and that lie of the ‘naturalness’ of jealousy—the encouragement to feel that way– that is the problem. I’m not denying jealousy exists, nor that women struggling with it should be made to feel guilty for having it. she needs counsel and support to overcome it, but i loathe this insistence that jealousy is natural and her right; the emphasis on wallowing in and thus acting out on it.
Allah is Just and He allows polygyny. It doesn’t follow that at least one of the people in polygyny will ALWAYS automatically be hurt in the arrangement. For the majority of polygynous marriages, that may now be the case (at least until the sisters overcome it), but that just proves how far away we’ve strayed from the fitra of our deyn and the true understanding of Islamic family values.
“How many of our Lord’s favors will we continue to deny?”
wa alaykum salaam wa raHmatullaahi wa barakaatuh from abi taubah,
May Allaah reward you all with good.
In keeping with the advice given by the noble scholar, Shaykh Rabeea (May Allaah extend his life) and following the example of Shaykh al albaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) We have set up this panel wherein the questions, concerns and misconceptions of the general masses can be addressed and rectified.
I would like everyone to rest assured that we do not move without the guidance of our scholars. Shaykh Mukhtar ash ShinQeeTi, Shaykh Muhammad ibn Aadam al ethiopi, Shaykh MuHsin al abaad as well as a few other less famous scholars and their students make up our advisory committee.
It is a blessing to hear ones concerns raised and hear someone voice a legitimate complaint, observation or concern that you yourself might have had as well. However, it will only remain a blessing when once everything is said and out in the open, we accept the decision of Allaah and His messenger according to the understanding of the Companions. This and only this is the end result we are looking for.
walHamdulillaah
abu taubah